just siting here crying, all alone

my grandma, who lives in Germany, had a heart attack and she's in the hospital. we're going to go visit her. she always had heart problems so I don't think she's going to make it. my parents came to my school after school and told me. I knew the news was horrible and I cried. and cried, my friend Diana was the most understanding. she cried with me and told everythign's going to be fine. I really wish I could believe her, but I know it woud just be getting my hopes up. we're leaving tommorrow, we're packing right now. my mom's completely depressed and my dad's trying his best to cheer her up, and well, I'm just trying to get out of everyone's way. I'm excited that I will see my family, but in this occasion? It's so bittersweet. everything reminds me of my grandma. I'm always in tears. we went shopping to get last minute things. I feel like I can never smile again.Before I finish my post, I remeber when I told my friends they tried to make me happy and laugh. I laughed a bit. Then they all left and Diana was the only one left. That's when I broke out in tears. We both cried and cried. I kept saying "she's gone, diana. she's gone," and told kept tellign me everything will be OK. I don't know who to talk to right now, I feel so alone. so empty. I never knew how much it hurted to loose a loved one.Of course, they still don't know if she's alive, but it doesn't look good. thanks for listening you guys..oh ya and i probably can't come online until april..